?

Log in

Withering Sanity [entries|friends|calendar]
James




This is where you enter your personal information.

Dominus illuminatio mea. e pluribus unum esto perpetue exceptio probat regulam. fama semper vivat flamma fumo est proxima fortes fortuna adiuvat. Gloria in Excelsis Deo. honor virutis preamium ignorantia legis neminem excusat.



Your likes go here.

Dominus illuminatio mea. e pluribus unum esto perpetue exceptio probat regulam. fama semper vivat flamma fumo est proxima fortes fortuna adiuvat. Gloria in Excelsis Deo. honor virutis preamium ignorantia legis neminem excusat.



Your dislikes go here.

Dominus illuminatio mea. e pluribus unum esto perpetue exceptio probat regulam. fama semper vivat flamma fumo est proxima fortes fortuna adiuvat. Gloria in Excelsis Deo. honor virutis preamium ignorantia legis neminem excusat.



Your communities go here.

Dominus illuminatio mea. e pluribus unum esto perpetue exceptio probat regulam. fama semper vivat flamma fumo est proxima fortes fortuna adiuvat. Gloria in Excelsis Deo. honor virutis preamium ignorantia legis neminem excusat.



Your links go here.

Dominus illuminatio mea. e pluribus unum esto perpetue exceptio probat regulam. fama semper vivat flamma fumo est proxima fortes fortuna adiuvat. Gloria in Excelsis Deo. honor virutis preamium ignorantia legis neminem excusat.



+ Layout Design:Raven O'Shea
+ Image Source: Boyis.com
+ Brushes:Annika Von Holdt

This layout was coded and designed by Raven O'Shea. No part of the code or image may be redistributed, copied, changed, or used without written concent of either her or Freelayouts. Love is free, so respect it and don't rip. Thanks.

Huddled against the cold of night,
Please, someone, make the wrong things right.
I've nowhere left to run and hide,
My tears, you see, have all been cried.
-R. O.-

There are times when we all feel lost and alone, as if we have nowhere else to go, and no one to turn to. It is a part of the human condition. While it a part of a healthy emotional balance to feel this way from time to time, it is wise to keep in mind also that everything passes with time. Things always get better, for after the darkest night does dawn always come.



[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Zyban - Day 3 [
May 15th, 2008 at 10:15pm]
nothing new to report

slept fine last night

was sweating a bit, but only like right after i took the pill and it went away quickly

don't have much time for a real post, so i'll pretty much just leave it at this

P.S. didn't smoke any more or less today

bye

dream [
May 14th, 2008 at 11:13pm]
so i'm now on the drug zyban to quit smoking. and when people say they've had vivid or strange dreams on this drug they weren't kidding. what very little i can remember of my dream last night went like this:

::NOTE:: when people remember their dreams, they seem to remember a particular part, usually the part right before they wake up, and i am no different. so i will refer to whatever happened leading up to that point (the insignificant details) as the "pre-dream". i will also refer to the point of great significance as the "re-dream", IE the part of the dream i can recall very well.

mmk so the pre-dream lead up to me and a small group of people (maybe 6 or 7) standing in my family's old yard. (the yard is of no significance, nearly every dream i have takes place there or in the house). apparently there was some apacolyspe or something (possibly zombies since there was a feeling of impending danger) and this group of people were survivors, essentially the last people left on earth or at least in the immediate area.

apparently i wished to lead this group, or something, and there was another guy in the group who was up to the same idea. i immediately decided he was a threat and needed to be dealt with.

the re-dream is me deciding to burn this guy alive. i'm facing the group, with the guy in question pacing towards us to the left. i pick up a plastic red gas can. he's coming closer, about to pass between me and the group, and i can see that A: another member of the group is about to warn (or is warning) him about whats coming, and B: i can tell from the look in his eyes that he already knows it. the look in his eyes was not fear or surprise, but more of a "oh yeah? show me what you got..." kinda look.

i lunge the opening of the can towards him, and a moment of panic as i realize there is very little gas left in this can. and then relief, because enough came out to partially soak him. i remember thinking that it was just enough gas on him, and immediately pull out my white plastic bic lighter.

i'm ready to light him up, and we're doing this kind of tense gunslinger walk, cause he knows i could light him on fire, but we both know that he could just grab me and we'd both burn. the gunslinger-type walk only goes on for seconds before he seems frustrated, and asks for the lighter! he's going to light himself! after a moment of hesitation at thinking it may be a trick, i hand him the lighter, which he pretty much snatches out of my hand

he lights himself. the fire is very slight at first, with those kind of yellow and translucent flames lazily wafting over his shirt and jeans. as the fire VERY SLOWLY (and i mean almost un-noticibly) grows, he starts spouting some words and things that sound very much like scripture or some type of ancient rite. i remember that even in the dream i didn't know what it was from. i could hear the words clearly but don't remember a single one of them. whatever they were i recall them being somewhat ominous and sad, something possibly relating to me that i would feel remorse for what i did. while he's saying these words it's as if he doesn't care that he's on fire. it's like a movie scene and there is no reality in it.

and then

fwoosh. he goes up in full flames and RUNS. SCREAMING. this was no longer a movie scene. in the very brief moments as he's passing me and running into my neighbors yard, i can see his hair burning away. i can see his skin burning away. i can see his eyes, full of horror and the realization that he is seconds from death. it scares the shit out of me. he runs. full speed. screaming. screaming very loudly. screams of death and absolute hopelessness and unthinkable pain. he's not running towards anything. he's just running because thats all he CAN do. as soon as he reaches my neighbors garden, which is just a bare area with big clods of dirt and nothing growing, he trips and falls, his burning head smacking against one of the dirt clods, his body spasming as he burns to death. it's a sight of horror and guilt and gut-wrenching fear because i JUST KILLED SOMEONE. and not just killed. BURNED ALIVE.

and then i wake up.

other than the "thank god it was just a dream" and "what the fuck?!" thoughts, the only thing i could really think was that he technically set himself on fire. but even so thats at the very least attempted murder or assisted suicide. just one of those post-dream rationalizations you make so it doesn't seem as bad.

while it was quite disturbing, i really hope i keep having vivid crazy dreams. cause while lighting someone on fire is never something i'd do in real life... all bets are off when i comes to dreaming. whats wrong with experiencing things you'll never do through dreams? i'll never fly, but i've done it many times in my dreams, and love the experience. the same goes for anything else my mind cooks up for me.

goodnight

Zyban - Day 2 [
May 14th, 2008 at 11:02pm]
i forget to mention yesterday that my quit date is the 19th. meaning starting that morning i will not smoke another cig

also i live with another smoker, my fiance. she may or may not continue to smoke, but has at least promised me to not smoke inside anymore once i quit.

also, i called the delaware quit line and have an appointment for over the phone counseling. of course thats not till the 28th/

ok so

today, not much to report

no real problems, and no real progress

last night i did have some trouble sleeping and a messed up dream that i'll describe in detail in another non-zyban post. but i didn't wake up feeling like i hadn't got enough sleep, so i suppose that even though my sleep may have been disturbed, it wasn't enough to effect anything.

in addition i did seem a tad more aggressive and easily stressed for a few minutes at work today, but not so much that it's necessarily the medication.

as for the positive... there is none. i seem a little more level or something? but no real changes. probably a placebo effect if anything.

still smoked plenty of cigs today. didn't taste any different, although supposedly they will when i hit day 5. here's hoping.

thats all for now

Zyban - Day 1 [
May 13th, 2008 at 10:33pm]
hello and welcome to my LJ. this section is dedicated to following the progress of my attempt to quit smoking using the drug zyban. feel free to either read or ignore the rest of my journal, which may be littered with strange posts and foul language i plan on putting this LJ address out in various places for other possible zyban users to see how i've faired on the drug and how things are going. if you are reading this i'm sure you're either a smoker looking to quit, or bored out of your freakin mind. if you are the latter, get up from the computer and go watch mythbusters or something. seriously, that show rules. mmk here we go

first a little personal history

my name is james

i'm 25

i'm white

i weigh around 230 - 240 and am 6' tall

i don't do any illegal or legal drugs

i don't have a history of depression, though i am self-diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.

i currently smoke camel no. 9 100's - non-menthol

i've smoked for at least the last 3 years

i've tried to quit many times on many occasions and in many ways. i've used the patch more than 4 times, the gum, the lozenge, cold turkey like a zillion times, nicotine free cigs, pulling out, the rythem method, etc etc

i've had the most success with using the patch and severely cutting down on how many cigs i smoke. i started out by using the very small patch and only having a maximum of ten cigs per day (i usually smoke a little more than a pack a day). every day following i would smoke roughly two less cigs, until the day i had my last. from then i was good for maybe two weeks without cigs. even with the patch i wanted a cig all day every day, and eventually caved.

so i'm giving drugs a try

DAY ONE

picked up my meds, which by the way my insurence does not cover and i had to pay $90 for a months supply. blech

drove to work

went over all the packaging and warnings, then took my first pill at around 10:30 AM.

day went by with pretty much no effects, besides some dry mouth or possibly dehydration, a slight headache that lasted maybe an hour, and some groggy-ish feelings that came and went. none of these were any more than slightly distracting, and didn't keep me from doing my work. they also were not strong enough to nessisarily have been caused by the zyban. feeling thirsty and having a headache are perfectly common stuff to happen. smoked probably 10-15 cigs

drove home

spent a good part of the night looking at my sisters drawings and trying to convince her to draw humans, watched mythbusters. nothing new to report so far. i hear i may have trouble sleeping or vivid dreams. if this is the case i will write about them tomorrow. smoked (so far) around 5 cigs, will probably have another 5 as usual. thats all for now

blog changing? [
May 13th, 2008 at 10:21pm]
[ mood | calm ]

eh

first off i must say i hate that word... blog. blech

anyway, i don't ever write anything in this lj anymore. and no i don't have another. the "blog changing" thing doesn't mean i'm changing the name or anything... just changing the content. few changes i have in mind:

1. i just today started on the quit-smoking medication "zyban", aka wellbutrin for those suffering from depression. my first change in this LJ will be a daily log of how my quitting is going. i'll try not to bore people who read this with too many details, but i planning on putting this blog out there for people who are also considering zyban to read. if they can understand anything i say.. oi.

2. i'm pushing my sister, sarah, to draw more and start up a comic / business of sorts. i'll document this progress, if there is any. she's very stubborn so getting her to draw humans instead of irkens may prove difficult

3. a section for my own projects. i always sit around and daydream about ideas for short films, web videos, and the like, and i think it's high time i actually start DOING something with the ideas rather than just thinking about them.

that's all i can think of right now. expect any LJ entries about the above subjects to have something relating to that particular subject in the subject line. ah-dur. what i mean is, writing about the quitting smoking will be something like "quitting with zyban - day 1".

mmmmmmk thats all good bye

cause i want to win an xbox [
November 10th, 2007 at 5:09pm]

S-M-R-T, i am so smart [
October 13th, 2007 at 1:08pm]

My score on The Commonly Confused Words Test:


English Genius

(You scored 85% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 80% Expert!)



You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!


For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.


Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test
(OkCupid Free Online Dating)


[
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:04am]

nicked from sarah! [
September 2nd, 2007 at 1:20pm]
[ mood | bored ]

have you ever..

[X] Smoked
[x] Got high (like twice, and hated it)
[x] Consumed alcohol
[x] Got drunk
[x] Slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex (every night!)
[X] Slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[X] Kissed someone of the same sex
[X] Had sex
[x] Had someone in your room other than family
[x] Watched porn
[X] Bought porn
[X] Done drugs
TOTAL: 12

[x] Taken painkillers
[x] Taken someone else's prescription medicine
[x] Lied to your parents.
[x] Lied to a friend.
[x] Snuck out of the house.
[x] Done something illegal.
[x] Cut yourself.
[x] Hurt someone.
[x] Wished someone to die.
[ ] Seen someone die.
TOTAL: 21

[ ] Missed curfew (I have never had a curfew.)
[x] Stayed out all night.
[x] pulled an all nighter
[ ] Eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself. (hell no, i don't even like iced cream)
[X] Been to a therapist.
[ ] Been to rehab.
[x] Dyed your hair.
[X] Received a ticket.
[x] Been in an accident.
[x] Been to a club.
[x] Been to a bar.
TOTAL: 29

[ ] Been to a wild party.
[ ] Seen the Mardi Gras.
[x] Drank more than four beers in a night.
[ ] Had a spring break in Florida. (Never been to Florida, and never been on a "spring break")
[ ] Sniffed anything.
[x] Wore black nail polish.
[x] Wore arm bands.
[x] Wore t-shirts with band names.
[x] Listened to rap.
[ ] Own(ed) a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL: 34

[x] Dressed gothic.
[ ] Dressed prep.
[x] Dressed punk.
[ ] Dressed grunge.
[x] Stole something.
[ ] Been too drunk to remember anything.
[x] Blacked out.
[x] Fainted.
[x] Had a crush on a neighbor.
[x] Had someone sneak into your room.
TOTAL: 41

[x] Snuck into someone else's room.
[ ] Had a crush on your best friend.
[ ] Been to a concert.
[x] Dry-humped someone.
[ ] Been called a slut.
[ ] Called someone a slut.
[x] Installed speakers in your car.
[ ] Broken a mirror.
[x] Showered at someone of the opposites sex's house.
[x] Brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush.
TOTAL: 46

[ ] Consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
[x] Seen an R-rated movie in theater.
[x] Cruised the mall.
[x] Skipped school.
[x] Had surgery.
[x] Had an injury.
[x] Gone to court.
[ ] Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
[x] Caught something on fire.
[x] Lied about your age.
TOTAL: 54

[x] Owned/rented an apartment.
[ ] Broke the law in the police's presence.
[x] Cheated on someone.
[ ] Got in trouble with the police.
[x] Talked to a stranger.
[x] Hugged a stranger.
[x] Kissed a stranger.
[x] Rode in the car with a stranger.
[x] Been harassed.
[x] Been verbally harassed.
[ ] Cat called someone
[x] Been cat called
TOTAL: 64

[x] Met face-to-face with someone you met online.
[x] Stayed online for 12 hours straight.
[x] Talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
[x] Watched TV for 12 hours straight.
[x] Been to a fair.
[x] Been called a bad influence.
[x] Drink and drive.
[x] Prank-called someone.
[x] Laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
[x] Cheated on a test.
TOTAL: 74

[
August 14th, 2007 at 1:02pm]
you laugh now

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

[
August 12th, 2007 at 1:47pm]
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


journals are better with large funny pictures that only a few people will laugh at

Writer's Block: By Any Other Name [
August 12th, 2007 at 1:27pm]
[ mood | amused ]

If you could rename yourself in real life, what would you choose, and why?

that's easy: The King of The Wikker People!


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
WIKKER KING!!!
(or queen, whatever)


either that or James Black, just cause i think that's cool. Rebecca Black, Lilith Black, think about it.

[
July 4th, 2007 at 3:55pm]
i once dreamed of a world..
without consequences...
without reminders..
of this... brutal.. gutter...
i am... collapsed in..
once i dreamed..
but then...
i...
woke..
up

[
May 20th, 2007 at 9:05pm]
Triped nick-ed from Xzaide!!

if you have over 85, you're supposed to have no life.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
( ) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane

Total: 7

(x) The Princess Bride
( ) AnchorMan
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Labyrinth
(x) Saw
(x) Saw II
(x) Saw III
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

New total: 15

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp

Total so far: 24

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch

Total so far: 33

(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots

Total so far: 42

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(x) Joe Dirt
( ) KING KONG

Total so far: 48

( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
(x) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
(x) The Ring
(x) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber

Total so far: 56

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
(x) The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 61

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
(x) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
(x) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask

Total so far: 70

(x) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number SlevIn
(x) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
( ) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
( ) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George

Total so far: 74

(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
( ) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 79

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3 (I wish I could UNsee it)

Total so far: 87

(x) X-Men
(x) X2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
( ) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
(x) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total so far: 97

(x) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
( ) The 40-year-old-virgin

Total so far: 102

(x) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 108

(x) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
( ) Elf
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X
( ) Three

Total so Far: 110

( ) The Jacket
(x) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard

Total so far: 115

(x) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld

Total so far: 121

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
( ) Army of Darkness

Total so far: 124

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
( ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 129

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
( ) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
(x) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal

Grand Total: 137

ch-ch-ch-changes [
May 17th, 2007 at 2:55pm]
well people it's been awhile huh. i dunno who really reads this anymore but it still seems like the best way to inform people of whats going on.

so for those who don't know, i'm moving back to Tennessee.

me and beca had somewhat of a falling out. though we still love each other madly, we both have what seems like insurmountable problems. i've deceided it would be best for us to work on them seperatly and get away from each other a while. i still really do hope we get better and end up together, just right now i can't deal with all this. my own problems, and someone elses stacked on top. not to mention the stress of having a roommate who rarely pays rent.

so if you have some crazy urge to come visit me, better do it before saturday, cause that's when i'm leaving.

k with that said i have some quick goals for the coming months:

~ lose 50 lbs. yes, i've gained over 50 lbs since i moved back to delaware.. blech

~ quick smoking. it is seriously starting to get to me

~ do my school. i signed up and started paying for classes months ago and haven't done anything with them..

~ work on my issues. social anxiety, not that clifton is swimming with people, but maybe i can try to be more social

~ save money. and buy a car

~ save more money. and rent a house

~ keep up with beca and see how she's doing. hopefully she'll work on her problems and soon can join me in TN and we can live happily ever after the end

[
March 31st, 2007 at 11:19pm]
i think i'm depressed.

like, clinically depressed. cause i'm really ok, but i'm not. i'm excited about my job, but i HATE it. i want to make the money, but i loath being there around people. i really was sick last night and this morning, but i think my mind may have actually MADE my body sick so i wouldn't have to leave my house. and when i'm NOT at work, unless someones around i'm just lathargic and feel like i'm losing my mind. like i'll just sit there and stare into space. i'll think about stuff i could do, like play a video game, watch a movie, eat, smoke, etc... but i'll just keep sitting there, with this weird uneasiness washing over me, staring. and if i don't keep my mind busy i start having actual depressive type thoughts, like i'm wasting my life, god the apartment is a mess but i can't bring myself to clean, god i wish i liked my job, god i wish i could stand being around the general pubic and it wasn't so goddam draining and miserable. you know, that kinda shit.

i really do hope we end up moving to TN and i can paint peoples houses and fix their plumbing.. it'd be so nice in comparison to having to deal with people and standing still all day. either that or actually GO to a massage school, which i know will probably never happen. i fail at life, i'm not gonna kid myself about that.

on the plus side i'm completely in love and content with my partner, even if she does things that annoy me sometimes.

and now i have nothing else to say.

goodnight

[
February 6th, 2007 at 5:47pm]
[ mood | blank ]

i'm so lost
i'm barely here
i wish i could explain myself
but words escape me
it's too late
to save me
you're too late
you're too late

[
December 11th, 2006 at 3:37pm]
[ mood | blank ]

i am so muted

[
October 28th, 2006 at 1:49am]
te amo.

[
October 18th, 2006 at 10:45am]
Me vs. Beca



only, we would have hopped in the car

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]